Lights, Camera… and No Action

 

By David Shamah, The Jerusalem Post, June 11, 2004

 

"Got on board a westbound 747,

Didn't think before deciding what to do..."

 

January 15, flight 007, New York to Los Angeles:

 

Yeah, it's in the bag. California, here I come! Let's see... first, I hit one of the cable networks. Then, when I sell them my idea and get my pilot, I try to sell it to a big network. It can't miss!

 

Hey, I love the newspaper business, but business is, how can I put it, a little slow. But fortunately, there is one place talented people who know how to write can go. Hollywood! But forget the movies – there are too many people writing for too few contracts.

 

Television is the way to go, if you ask me. There are hundreds of channels, all running 24 hours a day. And so many shows are written in teams! The credits at the end of even the most basic, low production value show give it away – to produce even five minutes of television you need maybe fifty people! Yep, it's a growth industry, and I intend to grow right into it.

 

"All that talk of opportunity, TV breaks and movies,

Rang true, sure rang true…"

 

January 19, 9:30 AM, Outside UPTV Studios, Tarzana

 

Wow! Less than a week here and I've got my first big meeting! I can't believe how easy it was to set up an appointment with the third Vice-President of Late Night Programming at UPTV Studios! And he was so nice over the phone – inviting me to breakfast. This is going to be fun!

 

January 19, 11:00 AM, The Grove, Los Angeles

 

Omigod! I'm in! He loved everything I showed him. The way he was talking, I might get five shows with his network! I don't know why people put Hollywood down – it's like a writer's paradise! It was a pleasure to eat breakfast with a true professional, and it was an honor to pay the bill. I'm sure I'll have an expense account soon enough!

 

"Out of work, I'm out of my head,

Out of self-respect, I'm out of bread

I wanna go home"

 

January 27, 2:00 PM, Burbank Howard Johnson, Room 206

 

Well, I guess that UPTV deal just isn't going to work out. I can't seem to get through to my friend – he always seems to be in a meeting. I guess a busy person like him can't take every call, but from the way he was speaking when we met – well, it's hard to believe he's not really interested. Could it be I'm not the great writer I thought I was, after all?

 

February 11, 11:30 PM, Popkin's Pizzeria, Venice Beach

 

This isn’t good. It seems as if I've become persona non-grata in TV circles. Apparently, word has gotten out that I am just not that good of a writer! This just doesn't make sense – it goes against everything people have been telling me about my talent all my life! Lucky I found this busboy job. It doesn't pay much, but it'll keep me going for awhile. But if things don't pick up soon, I'm going to have to consider my options, as they say out here.

 

February 23, 2 PM, Beverly Center

 

Well, that was an interesting conversation. People in this town love to "do lunch" – especially if they're not paying for it! But it was worth paying for lunch to speak to this fellow I met here, because I finally got someone to give me an honest critique. It was well worth the price of a meal (this fellow really likes to eat, too) to hear a pro – he's a retired network executive – tell me exactly what is wrong with my work. Basically, he said, my writing is boring – no matter what I produce, it sounds like I'm writing about computers. Can you believe that? I guess creative writing s different from a computer column gig, after all!

 

"Please, don’t tell them how you found me

Give me a break!"

 

May 18, 11 AM, UPTV Studios, Tarzana

 

Well, I finally got my job! True, it's not a high profile, big deal TV writing thing on a hit sitcom, but it's a start. I am writing dialogue for professional wrestlers to banter with the interviewers of WWF Championship Wrestling after their matches (no, those conversations are not spontaneous, believe it or not). It sounds simple – I mean, we're talking professional wrestlers here – but that just makes the work a greater challenge. I got over that creative writer's block thing, thanks to a very cool program I downloaded called WriteSparks!

 

WriteSparks is an idea generating program designed to get you thinking – to help you come up with and develop creative writing ideas. It's perfect for any kind of writing – speeches, homework, novels – and, of course, TV writing!

 

WriteSparks has several tools that will give you creative "food for thought." You can start with the First Line Generator, which give you a first line from which to start your story. For example, the program will give you a line like "It was an unexpected visit," or "She remembered one evening when they were together." If you're looking for an idea, those are as good places to start as any.

 

But perhaps even more useful is the What If Story Generator tool, which will give you a scenario to work from, in "what if" format. For example, "What If you were going to write a story about denial with a dying patient as the main character and a ring as the key object? Set your story in a mall." See, that guy I met in the Beverly Center was right – I would never have come up with something like that on my own!

 

Or how about the Random Story Words Generator: This one gives you a series of four words and challenges you to tie them together in a coherent way. What would you make out of a set of words like "waiter, pen, living room, toy car?" Or "pianist, wallet, hotel room, knife?"  The possibilities are endless!

 

There are other tools, too: The Cliché Starter Generator is a repository of clichés, which are, of course, pithy little sayings that evoke a scenario in the mind. The Quick Prompts Generator gives you more story ideas. And the Mixed Proverbs Generator could be used straight out of the box for comedy writing: It generates lines like "Strike while the iron cures all things," "Crime cures all things," and "Beauty keeps the doctor away."

 

I have found every one of these tools extremely useful in my new work. Like this stuff I wrote for The Iron Masked Hulk:

 

Interviewer: Well Iron Masked Hulk (IMH), it looks like you lost another one. What are you planning for a followup?

 

IMH: I could rule the world! I WILL Rule the world! A crime like this comes but once a year! I will never lose again I'll be back! Arghh!!!

 

See what I mean? All the "creative" lines there came out of WriteSparks, but I usually change things around a little bit, adding and adjusting based on the wrestler's personality. They love me around here - the wrestlers have never sounded so intelligent! Ratings are going through the roof because we're getting the college audience, who couldn't be bothered with professional wrestling before! Okay, it's not a sitcom, but give it time – I've got a lunch interview at the ABA Network next week, and this time, I'm not paying (I made sure to ask when I set up the date). Hey, it just started raining – I thought it wasn't supposed to do that in Southern California!

 

Download WriteSparks from http:// writesparks.com , for all Windows systems. The basic program is free, and there are more advanced versions with more ideas and generators for $37 or $77 respectively (the basic program is free and does not expire).

 

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