We Hate the Olympics Because…

 

By David Shamah, The Jerusalem Post, August 13, 2004

 

Starting today, a whole bunch of fancy kids who think they're somehow big shots because they can throw a Frisbee or jump through a couple of hoops are going to try and impress the rest of us with their exploits and try to prove that they are indeed the modern incarnation of an ancient Greek athlete. I don't know about you but personally, I couldn't be more disgusted!

 

I know that it's somehow politically incorrect and vaguely unpatriotic not to go ga-ga over your home country's Olympic hopefuls, and I certainly wish them well in their endeavors, but I have had just about enough of this phony adulation. It's about time someone told it like it is, and I'm just the guy to do it.

 

What's my beef? I'm getting a little tired of these athletic types getting all the glory. They call the competitors who try to qualify for the games the "Olympic Hopefuls" – and, according to many, they harbor our highest hopes and ideals. In other words, they are among the ideal specimens of our society, both physically and in terms of bravery, loyalty, etc. - excelling in whatever specific sport they are competing in, never giving up no matter what the odds, yadda yadda. They, in a sense, are an extension of us, and what we all wish we could be or feel we should be.

 

Well, that's all well and good for people who jog or weight lift in their spare time. But what do they have for us, the people who keep the potato chip makers in business? As everyone knows by now, we, the fattish and the geeky are the ones who keep society running. Who do you think invented the Walkmans and portable MP3 players that adorn the ears of those through whose lips a carbohydrate shall never pass, as they glide effortlessly down the road or climb a virtual hill on their stepper machine? You got it; a carb-swilling thirty something fellow who, since he was a kid, has been shuttled towards the husky department whenever walking into a fine clothing emporium.

 

Track and field, wrestling, discus throwing – these are not the things people like us aspire to. Oh, I'm behind them all the way as they march along on their walk to glory – but as I am a bit out of shape, I really can't keep up with their pace. Instead, if I am so inclined, I will have to follow their exploits on-line, at sites like http://www.athens2004.com/en/, which promises daily results, tabulation of athlete's ranking and progress towards medals, and news of the games. There will also be coverage at  http://www.nbcolympics.com/index.html,  as well as at http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/olympics_2004/default.stm, the Olympic Web sites of NBC and BBC, both of which will broadcast at least parts of the games on their sites. There are even sites dedicated to Israel's Olympic teams, such as

http://athens2004.walla.co.il (in Hebrew), and http://wn.com/s/israelsport/index.html, an English-language page with sports news from Israel.

 

I bring you the above information for your edification - I doubt I'll be surfing to any of those sites myself. I suffered enough with Olympic athlete wannabe-ism four years ago, thank you. Instead, this time, I've lined up my own on-line Olympics just for people like us, one that I guarantee you will be able to enjoy without having to feel like "if only I had exercised more when I was a kid I could have been him" when you watch Olympians engage in fantastic feats of physical fitness.

 

One big Olympic event, of course, is boxing, and many Olympic boxers, like Muhammad Ali, later became big name pro boxers. One popular boxer training trick is to punch raw sides of beef, a la Rocky – but if you prefer your steak a little more well-done, check out The Web Boxing League (http://www.vivi.com/), which lets you take a raw boxing talent and train him till he's ready to fight for the virtual heavyweight title! Not that there's anything as messy as blood or sweat in this game – it’s more of a strategy session,  where you plan your boxer's moves based on his abilities by putting together a fight plan, which you then throw into a match with other players, in which you can either "knock out" your opponent. If you go the distance, a panel of judges will decide the winner. A very detailed series of help pages will get you up to speed very quickly, and you'll be rockin' and sockin' 'em in no time.

 

Though it doesn't get as much notoriety as figure skating or swimming, soccer (or football, as they will be calling it in Athens) is also an Olympic event. Actually, soccer may be much more in vogue during this year's Olympics, as Greece has gone football crazy since their national team won this year's UEFA Euro League Football Cup, with the big game held in Portugal last month. Kicking a ball around is a lot of work, whether it's in Athens or Lisbon, but it's a lot easier at http://www.radicalplay.com/socca, where you get to play against the computer on line in Super Web Soccer, as close to the real thing as you are going to get on line. There is a Euro 2004 match (you sign up as a country), as well as World Cup 2002 and the Champion's Cup. You can use your mouse or keyboard to control players and action, and the site puts up a pretty good fight. You need to be on-line to play, but you don't have to have a top of the line PC to enjoy this game – the game will automatically withhold some resources, like sound, if you tell it you have an older computer.

 

Another fun soccer game has you playing not against European championship teams, but against dinosaurs! In Football-o-saurus, you compete against teams in the Jurrasic League, generated by the computer in the free version (you can play against others on-line in the pay version). You use your mouse to pass the ball between dinosaurs on your team, but the opposing squad is aggressive, and they may manage to steal the ball and score a goal with a long pass while you're downfield! They may be dinosaurs, but these guys know how to play soccer, and you'll play a fun, exciting match every time (free download from http://www.windowsgames.co.uk/football.html; for all Windows systems)

 

And of course, there's the game that always turns out to be one of the biggest deals every Olympics - ice hockey. This is a game of stamina, strength, and lots of pushing and stuff – the kind of thing that's of fun to watch but you wouldn't even conceive of playing. Unless it's at http://hokej.mujklub.cz/hokej.php, where you sing up to play Hockey Manager, in which you manage and coach an on-line hockey game in real-time against players from around the world. You go on-line at the same time as another player in your league, and then try to move up the ranks by defeating teams you take (it takes a couple of days to enter the game; the league has to assign you ranking, opponent, etc.). Once you're set up, the league will notify you by e-mail of your schedule, and then it’s a couple of exciting hours of checking the other guys into the boards!

 

But all these activities, although kosher for the likes of us virtual Olympians, still miss the point; we’re just aping the "real" athletes, and although we'll probably do a lot better at Football-o-saurus than any of these medal winners, these contests are not really "our" kind of game.

 

So forget the armchair athletics. Here’s a contest I plan to enter next time I get to Queens, New York in January – the Ben's Deli Matzo Ball Eating Contest (http://www.bensdeli.net/index.html; click on the Matzo Ball Contest link on the left). In this challenge, you have to eat as many matzo balls as possible within the allotted time; 2 minutes 50 seconds in the semi-finals and 5 minutes 25 seconds in the finals. This year's winner downed about 20 matzo balls to win. C'mon – I do that every Friday night! Here's our chance to go for the gold – the golden, fluffy taste of championship winning matzo balls, that is!

Send questions/comments to ds@newzgeek.com